Las Vegas

Vegas is one of the best cities in the world…and I’ve been to many. You can go there for just about any type of vacation you can think of. My second to last trip I spent 4 days there and didn’t gamble one cent. My last trip, I won and lost thousands. I love the restaurants, the bars, and just about everything else.

I used to joke that the best food you can find in any country can be found of equal quality in a single one, the United States. If you are the best at what you do, you come to the states to make some money, and Vegas is one of the places that they go. The world’s best architects, build in vegas. The world’s best chefs, own restaurants in Vegas. The world’s best mixologists, create cocktails in Vegas. Other cities like New York and LA have this as well, but not on as grand a scale as they do in Vegas. You go to New York to build your boutique, you go to Vegas to build your palace.

Walking the entire strip is a must, with a long stay in front of the Bellagio fountains (I adore when they play Sinatra, but it changes each time). The sirens show at TI is lame. The fireworks on the 4th are amazing, but primarily because of the Vegas skyline as the backdrop. A helicopter ride to the grand canyon is mind blowing, but I did worry about falling out of the chopper the entire time. Checking out Freemont street at night is a must. The “Freemont Experience” shows will let down anyone younger than 40 who’s been anywhere, but it’s all in good fun nonetheless, plus it just feels right to walk down that street with a drink in hand. Strip clubs here are pretty sick, and you can fire an RPG should you wish it…though they haven’t yet made a place where you can fire one while watching strippers……..light bulb!

Notes to self:

-Went to crazy girls at PH. Man I see the classic burlesque appeal, but this was pretty old and sad. The girls were smokin, there just isn’t enough money put into these shows to make it modern interesting.

-Absinthe at Caesars is a must do. So much fun, but truly raunchy. Like extremely raunchy. Funny, cool, fun, and so unique. Circus tent nostalgia!

-Tao Beach is smaller than I expected. So much fun (we paid a $100 sales minimum for a bed, no cover). On weekdays it’s topless and more people than you’d expect take advantage of this. The drinks are crazy expensive and they make you get doubles to make service faster, but we didn’t care.

-Mott 32 is a must for Peking Duck lovers. Do it. Order in advance.

-Craft steak is sick…I think better than the one in NYC. Gallaghers Steak House in the New York is also sick. SW in the Wynn is cool and great, but Lakeside seafood blows anus and the lake show is for tards.
-The Freemont Experience show kinda sucks…in any version. But I love the street, and the idea, and going there in general.
-The Bellagio fountains are perfect (though Dubai has some skills)
-Best pool for parties is probably the Encore or Cosmopolitan (the brand new Aria area was small and left a lot to be desired)…or Rehab if you’re feeling Jersey shore.
-Best “adult” pool is easily Bare at the Mirage. On weekdays the sales goals for the chairs is pretty low and if you’re drinking you can hit it easily. Bare also does not care if you are staying in the hotel (Morea has turned me down before because I wasn’t at Mandalay). Morea Beach is very cool too, but with a much larger area it lacks the intimacy of Bare (we paid 50 to enter and 300 for a half covered day bed, with no sales goal attached, just a rental fee, pieces of shit). I would say there were many, many hot women (good percentage of topless girls as well) there on a Saturday and it was jammin.
-Best pool for who cares I just want to lay out, probably Mandalay or MGM. Careful getting a cabana at huge pool areas like MGM since they can put you super far from the action. Caesars and Encore have very casual topless pools that are chill and normal (not clubby).
-Sapphire does “layover” parties on Sunday, the idea being that you have to check out of your hotel and you should go there to hang while waiting for your flight. We did not go for this reason, but found ourselves there on a Sunday nonetheless. We did use the free pick up service…but the guys driving these things were maniacs. There was a 10 dollar cover to get in and they usually do sales goals for beds and cabanas. In this case it was very slow so we got a cabana for a $100 tip. The pool was full of dudes playing volleyball. The music was ridiculously loud. The VIP area was as much of a concrete jungle as the rest of the pool areas. The girls could not take their tops off (something about the neighbors being able to see in) so everyone was wearing these ridiculous pasties. You had to go into the club if you wanted a dance (about 200 for 30 mins semi-private). It was boring and I shalln’t be back. Good food though 🙂
-Spearmint Rhino is pretty cool, but it’s super dark, and outrageously packed on the weekends. They do have tons and tons of girls and plenty of people dancing. They didn’t have a private table for us but we still got bottle service in those standard captains chair set ups. They do semi private dances for $200 for 30 minutes. They have 3 bars which got very confusing with credit cards and drunk assedness.
-Olympic Gardens can be cool if the mood is right. They have two areas each with their own stage. Had a couples dance (oh Logan) in the back room for $300 for 30 minutes. Closed now.
-Sapphire might be the most extravagant of the Vegas strip clubs. Good place. We got a fantastic deal on some private tables here for a bachelor party. On the most recent visit the ratio of girls to guys was too high! Sounds fun right?! Nope, you are being hussled every 5 seconds. I found it absolutely annoying 🙁
-Gordon Ramsey steak might have the best steak (the Rib Cap) in the world. Their bread kind sucks though.
-Battlefield Vegas was a ton of fun. Absolutely no need to go again, but the instructors were super nice and the prices were fine. It goes by really, really quickly so beware.
-Top golf did not have their shit together when we went but they did make up for it with some free stuff, and the facilities are cool as shit. Pools, lounges, concerts, bars, and golf 🙂
-Our last trip, and I mean last trip ever to Rehab was utterly ridiculous. Those pieces of shit acted liked a bachelor party group was not allowed to act excited to be there at all. I am talking threats. I am talking physical intimidation. I am talking numerous “serious” talks with meathead morons who couldn’t run a Sizzler and who’s only hope is a bikini clad drunk fest where they can throw their weight around. Imagine every moron bouncer you hated in college joining forces to open a bar. I mean they had the cops posted up on our cabana. Oh, and the scantily clad moron server…you are made to wear dental floss and you are offended when my friend makes the slightest remark about taking you home. Are you kidding me? Go home you stupid loser. Fuck Rehab, fuck them in their stupid asses.


Cosmopolitan (Aug. 2012, Sep. 2013, Aug. 2014, July 2018)

Planet Hollywood (Aug. 2016)

Hard Rock (Jul. 2011)

Encore (Jul. 2011)

Aria (Jun. 2013)

MGM Grand (most recent Jul. 2011)

The Palms (Sep. 2011)

Mandalay Bay (Jun. 2007, Aug. 2014)

The Venetian (Oct. 2005)