Here’s a disturbing fact…there are no fat people in Stockholm. Yeah. No fat people. Oh you see the occasional fatty but it ain’t hard to see that they ain’t Swedish. The locals, nope, they’ve got nothing to do with that shit. And let me tell ya, for those of us who have chosen to explore the more dense sides of life, it was upsetting, deep down hurt your soul sort of upsetting. But then there’s this, the girls are a-smokin. I mean what the fuck is that girl doing behind the counter at a 7-11 kinda smokin. Like seriously. Like what the fuck. Like you will stop dead in your tracks and ask yourself why the fuck do you not move here.

But there’s another thing, it’s not just the girls. Everyone man. I’m not the best judge, but I can tell when a human being is attractive, and these guys were ridiculous. Even the old ones had like perfect tanned skin, lean and tall bodies, and walked around like yeah, we’re Swedish mother fucker. It was almost enough to make me want to just throw up all over myself…but there’s more. The fuckers are nice. You will be greeted with a smile. You will be made to feel at home. You will bask in their Swedish-ness. There are some cities with smokin hot women, but they are almost never humble. They are almost never gracious. A hot girl in LA can be a raging bitch, and she literally, like lie detector test literally, would not know that she was as big of a bitch as everyone else thought she was. Theses people are smart, sophisticated, and to some degree, worldly. Though I did find that Stockholm was the center of the world for more of them than it should of been.

So we’ve got smokin hot, here’s what else, they dress soooooooo well. Every gd person looks like they just came from a photo shoot. I couldn’t believe it. They were so casual and so cool. It was like blazers and scarves and leather pants and hats and whatever, just to go to the grocery store. I swear to god, the outfits for the public utility guys…they were pretty god damn sweet. They have figured it out. In uber fashionable places like NY or Rome, you still have the regular folk, in Stockholm, the regular folk are the fashionable models. I think they just don’t know that the rest of us exist!

So here’s my point, I love Stockholm. Loved it, will always love it. But if you are traveling for a long time and thus could only bring one bag and thus needed to think about essentials and not your Armani suit, AND your looks are on the Fred Savage side of good looking rather than the Brad Pitt side, AND losing a few pounds is still a few pounds away, you’re fucked. I mean they are still nice, but come on dude, give it up. And if you aren’t even in the Fred Savage arena, which admittedly is only a Triple A team kind of arena, you better be driving a Ferrari, cause your charm and humor ain’t shit compared to these fuckers who could charm paint off the wall.

Anyway! Great city! If one could ignore the fact that it gets cold all the time and the fact that it’s a million miles away, then there’d hardly be an argument against living here. It’s pretty perfect.

They have an old town (Gamla Stan) that will knock your socks off. Streets not wide enough for cars, cobblestones, shops and restaurants everywhere, no chains in site, it was close to heaven, and yeah, it’s an island.

They have a city center (heading north from Kungstradgardsgatan…and nope, that is in fact a real and commonly used word) full of pedestrian areas. Miles and miles of streets with commercial activity on them. A mini central park kinda thing right in the center with restaurant patios lining the sides. Walking around these streets and just seeing what you find is an unending and wonderful activity.

They have islands everywhere, each with its own character. The main jumping off point for the ferries is the east side of Gamla Stan, this is also a popular tourist starting point for the hop on hop off bus.

They have great restaurants and bars. Even the modern ones have that grand feel to them, like it’s spotless and spartan, but it’s been there forever. I met some great people in one of these bars (at the Sturehof restaurant, busy as shit and pretty cool I thought) and we drank schnapps together (they were Swedish Navy folk and I’m not totally sure whether the one dude wanted to bang or not, but in any case, we did not). Schnapps can be amazing…apparently…if it’s the quality stuff. We also had herring, which is the national dish of every seaside city that relies on sustenance rather than style, which was primarily shit. Meatballs are in fact a big thing in Sweden (Ikea sells them there too). Most of my meatballs were dry and boring but what do you expect with deer and elk meat, I mean this is cold arid country here. It’s just like how I’ve never understood Mongolian barbeque. The only cuisine Mongolia had in its existence was called, “that”. If I eat “that” I will not die, and “that” changes every day.

I simply loved it. A truly beautiful, walkable, fun city. Plus them hotties.

Notes to self:

-The one place so far on this trip I’d return to…but return for pool weather only 🙂
-The Berns hotel is the jam. As classic European cafe/lounge as it gets, with nightclub action late night.
-The Gold Bar at my hotel (the Nobis) was so boring! I loved the bartender, but why this place is on any list of cool bars is beyond me. And it can get hoppin! Soooooo wtf. Maybe it’s just that Nordic bartender. Nice dude.
-Breakfast at the Riche was perfecto.
-Stureplan is the major restaurant and bar area. Jammin every night.
-Everyone recommended food halls, and Ostermalmshallen most of all. It’s no Chelsea Market, but it was cool to see all of the crazy Scandinavian food items in one place. They can get pretty weird with their “pies” and things of that nature. Tons of fish obviously.
-Since I’ve always wanted to go to Stockholm, I took the hop on hop off tour here. Well I walked to Sodermalm, which ain’t that close, to get some cool views from their cliff tops (meh), then hopped on. It was worth it. I had kind of already seen everything around the center at that point (except the outdoor museum Skansen which I chose not to do), but it was still nice to get an overview and have some commentary.


Nobis Hotel Stockholm (May 2015)