First things first, Lufthansa is supposed to be the jam. I think they are way over rated. They have giant planes but that’s about it. I was stoked to check out the lounge at Dulles and it was the jank. I walked in and I was like, alright, this can work…but I hear excuse me sir, are you first class? Well, I uh, I want to go there, there please. No sir, the business class lounge is downstairs. I start to cry uncontrollably, what’s that line from American Psycho, ‘when we arrive at the restaurant I’m almost in tears because I just know that we’re going to get a bad table’. Patrick Bateman was wrong, I was right. The business class lounge is like the birthday party that your mom makes you go to cause the kid is fucked up and has no friends. It’s like that, but with a whole bunch of Germans. Who cares I said, free wine, and I need a bunch.

Frankfurt – Flying in on a 747-800 ain’t so bad. The Germans are just too stoic for me on airplanes though. Yes, I did just ask for my tenth glass of wine. Don’t judge me Lufthansa…maybe just leave the bottle and take the smirk back to the home country. In any case…bad food, but it was business class and the accommodations were sweet (fully lie flat in a brand new “pod” seat with a giant TV and all the extra comforts), plus nobody sat next to me (I noticed they did not have those divider things so if some snarf monster had sat next to me I might have been pissed.

The trip from the airport to downtown was quick and easy, 30 euros just about without any traffic, I think we hit 124mph in fact. Frankfurt itself is just as advertised, a giant industrial financial metropolis. It’s kind of like Charlotte, but with a giant bag of Germans and more porn. The main drag is called the Zeil, a mega wide pedestrian area with shops that are just too high-end to be honest. Boutiquey and bohemian this is not. That being said they do appear to have a pretty fucking sweet farmers market that they do everyday at the east end of the Zeil (my spot was right next to it so it was convenient as shit). And it’s not just apples and cheese. They’ve got like hundreds of dudes selling every type of sausage they can think of, dudes with fish, dudes with bread, dudes with cheese, and many many dudes with beer and in one instance for me, apple wine (a regional fav). All this shit is cooked up right in front of you and it smells like sausage heaven, along with a little piss and general homelessness mixed in.

The second spot is the Romer. This is kind of the Old Town area (yes, the yanks and the brits pretty much annihilated Frankfurt during dubbya dubbya deuce. So they don’t have much “old” around to be honest. The Romer has some nice cathedrals and churches and a super nice square where they play music and have a ton of patios and shit. I wouldn’t call it so authentic because many of the structures look a bit like Busch Gardens, but whatevs.
The third spot is the Bahnhofsviertel. This is the area right outside of the main train station, one street leading away goes to downtown, oldtown, etc. Another street, almost parallel to said street for squares, is the red light district of Frankfurt. Now let’s talk about this action. First off, the germans don’t fuck around. They have sex shops all over the place, and most of these sex shops have “private” rooms where you can watch porn, and do whatever you want to do with yourself. Then some of these shops also have “Kino”, which as far as I can tell is a giant dark room, with all kinds of nooks and crannies, with all kinds of porn showing. Here’s the thing, I’m thinking sex orgy nightclub right?…but there were no chicks…and I know what you’re thinking, but the porn was straight! Like say wha? Like the gay dudes are in a dark room and banging, but having straight porn on the screen makes it straight? I wasn’t sure what I was looking at honestly. It was like the 20 dudes who either didn’t have the internet back at the house, or the woman back at the house doesn’t know what an HJ is. But in any case, these are apparently popular. So…what.

Now, they also have strip clubs, these come in 2 varieties, one is small, gross, uncomfortable, and generally terrible. If you want to pay an astronomical amount of money to have a butt ugly girl talk to you and then maybe do a private dance for you and then maybe bang you, all for about 400 euros…go ahead. If you want a typical strip club experience…but better cause you know…german chicks. Go to a large strip club. They literally call them small and large, or whatever the fuck that is in German. Anyway, the big ones are clean with nice bars, stages with typical dancing, and lap dances, and back rooms. Seemed to me the back room action was guaranteed but it wasn’t cheap. I sat at the bar and fended off the girls that wanted me to buy them a ridiculously high priced drink (“so vee can svit here ahn chat” they says). I paid 5 euros a beer, watched some main table action and split. Not to be cheap, but it was my first night so I didn’t want to get all entangled. Honestly though, this place Pure Platinum did have some hotties.

Soooooo, then there’s the brothels. Straight up. Giant buildings, like 4 story new York walk ups, except every room has a girl in it. When the door is open you can check out their digs and negotiate. Some of the places looked fairly posh, not skanky Thailand style. I guess these girls literally rent these rooms for themselves only, they may even live there…but that’s just too sad to discuss. If you are a douche or a dick, walking up and down these hallways is probably totally fun, if you are halfway decent, it might make you feel bad…I little bit like stamping your ticket to hell.

Lastly, done with Frankfurt. It may seem like the only reason I went was to check out the girls, but this is untrue, it was my first night in Europe, and I needed a place to rest…and check out the girls. Even that 2 or 3 block of strippers, sex cubs, prostitutes, and alcohol is not enough to get me back. What’s the point. It is a walkable city, it does have a pedestrian mall, it does have hot women, but it just feels like a concrete jungle. The “sites” don’t really exist. I guess if you like museums and are from a place where they don’t have museums, or the internet, you could probably check out some museums.

Notes to self:

-To be fair, they do have a very nice river front walk with some pedestrian bridges and such…but it’s really not something you haven’t seen or done ten thousand times before.


Westin Grand Frankfurt (April 2015)