Bangkok and Pattaya

Bangkok is a full on dirty, crowded, constantly grabbed, constantly hustled, smelly, “you wan massaaaa?”, tuk tuk drivin’, ping pong show askin’, mecca. And I think I love it. The best scenario for me in any place is to have the ultimate luxury next door to the real world. If you’re in a foreign place, you want to feel like it, and Bangkok forces that upon you like no other. They have some of the nicest hotels in the world, some of the nicest restaurants and bars in the world, but inevitably across the street is some kind of amazing market, or a street food destination, or a ping pong show, haha. It’s remarkable and just so unique. Bangkok is what you make of it, and I prefer to try it all.

Pattaya incidentally, is like Bangkok on crack. It has only slight glimmers of high society and its “walking street” kicks the crap out of Soi Cowboy or Nana plaza any day. There is no real beach (it’s super tiny width wise) but the beach road is cool and walking street is like the Times Square of debauchery.

On my most recent trip, we also discovered that Soi 6 (in Pattaya) is jammin too. Like very surprising. We rode our scooters through there like bosses then liked it so much that we visited later on that night as well. Great bars, restaurants, and loads and loads and loads of girls. Plus, wait, who is that smokin girl, why is she so big, I don’t understand, our friend found out quickly how “real” the ladyboys on that parallel street were…if that’s your thing. (These salty dudes we met also recommended “LK metro”, they were the ones that told us about soi 6, but we didn’t make it to LK…they also gave us a pretty interesting and most likely disease inducing liquor he had whipped up and apparently was sneaking shots of at the bar, pineapple or some shit. Salty but cool.).
We spent 80 bucks straight from the airport to Pattaya in a pretty nice SUV, spent less for a car on the way back. Went to PP Body Massage for soapies this time. I think everyone left quite happy.

In Bangkok we tried out a new B bar (Dr BJs), an attempt to take on Lolitas and its sister spot right around the corner. This place is a joke. Like super bright, super quiet, with a dick for an owner. Like the guy doesn’t even know coffee shops much less these kinds of places. I’m not sayin I have “used” one of these places, but I have seen them and this one ain’t right. It’s right next to Nana Plaza so at least the location is easy. AND as an added bonus, pretty sure my boy and I had a nice long conversation with a wanted murderer at the bar across the street while waiting for our friend. Total bonus right!

Total sidebar, but my boy lost his credit card on the last trip, and when they declined his debit card he had no choice but to find an american bank to straighten it out. Big Problem! It took us an entire day of finding zilch in the world of bank of america to figure out, “don’t do that”.

BTW, after the military took over, Thailand banned online porn. So you can get anything you want in real life, but you can get almost nothing in fake life…

Notes to self:

-Taxi lines are somewhat automated at the airport (you get a ticket and go to a specific taxi stand), and no matter where you are going it will generally be under 20 bucks.
-Bangkok cabs will rarely turn on their meters (so you should always ask) and tuk tuks don’t have them so negotiate right away. If you pretend to walk away the price always goes down. Don’t be a dick though, almost every ride is 5 bucks or less.
-The BTS (subway) is honestly pretty easy and it’s about a buck to go most places you would want to go…
-Street food is a must (anywhere in Asia really) and look for the busy places. People in suits will be lined up with people in rags.
-Go to a market. Patpong night market is big and cool and has girlie shows surrounding it…totally weird (they are a rip off compared to the red light districts though so be careful)
-If you are buying a girl a drink in a house of ill-repute (which you should so that the other girls stop bothering you and you can chill out and just talk or enjoy the dancing) make sure you agree to the price beforehand. Every bar/girl has a handler that will speak English and who will try to get you to take the girl out of there…
-Thai happy ending massages are as common as street food in Bangkok. They are all fairly the same and they always have women on their steps asking if you’d like a massage. Make sure you look at a menu and are clear about what you want (you can get regular massages in these places too but I don’t know why one would). I went to Soi 22 which has a ton of places (Paradise Thai massage last time) but honestly it doesn’t really matter. They all have the upstairs rooms where you feel like you might get killed…but these places are generally very safe and surprisingly honest. You may see a list saying otherwise (quality wise) but that’s mostly bs.
-The soapy massage places in Bangkok seem to be lacking, though they would convince you otherwise. Annies, the classic and oldest, is pretty trashy and a waste of time in my opinion. My level of dirtiness only drops but so low.
-Go to a rooftop bar. They really do it better here than anyplace in the world…especially the US. They are all super upscale and hip, they are all outrageously high, they hardly ever have major railings, and there are a bunch of them. The Banyon Tree is pretty sweet for dinner or just a drink. We did the Octave at the Marriott most recently. Killer views and a little easier than the banyon.
-Go to a movie at an upscale movie theater. The outrageous screens (which put US theaters to shame) cost a lot (we’re talking $100 per person), require 2 people (since you will literally be in a bed with them), but have amazing screens and sound, plus food, music, and cocktail hours prior to the show. It’s a hell of a thing. Even the slightly less posh theaters are cool as shit. I went to the one in Siam mall…which in itself is a pretty nice place to look around. Don’t forget to stand for their crazy salute to the king before each show…it’s propaganda and blind loyalty at its best. Long live the King though…I’m sure he’s great!
Last visit I saw Martian in 4D…almost tooooo much, but a hell of an experience, they fling you all over the place! This was at Siam Paragon btw (it is the one with the giant but underwhelming aquarium exhibit. Siam and World Center are both huge, but kind of Americanized store wise.). Siam has an amazing theater, but choose your screen wisely, as they all offer something a little different.
-Taking a river boat can be cool. You see a lot of palaces and it can be serene, but it can get annoying as you will be bothered by people selling shit, even on the water (probably why I never went to the floating market). Done this trip twice now, and if you make nice with the driver he will make it real interesting.
-Pattaya is only about 90 minutes away and almost any cab will take you there for 50 to 75 bucks…so it’s worth a visit every time. (Nothing is too far from Walking street but being within a mile of it so you can walk home is nice)
-Terminal 21 mall (right down from the JW, and the one with the giant escalator) is pretty perfect for buying gifts and such. The major malls like Siam are kind of like the US, store wise. Terminal 21 has different levels dedicated to different countries, even though most of the stuff is Thai, it still has the feel of UK, or Paris, or Turkey, etc.


Aloft Bangkok (Oct. 2015, Oct. 2017)

Metropolitan Bangkok (Oct. 2015)

Dusit Thani Pattaya (Jan. 2011)

Hilton Pattaya (Jan. 2011)

Furamaxclusive Asoke Bangkok (Jan. 2011)

JW Marriott (Mar. 2018, Aug. 2018)

Sofitel Bangkok Sukhumvit (Jun. 2012)

Siam Bayshore Pattaya (Nov. 2013, Sep. 2015)

Royal Cliffs Pattaya (Nov. 2013)

W Bangkok (Nov. 2013)